


Love in Winter

by Lady_of_Frost



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avenger! Reader, Blood and Injury, F/M, Language, Minor Appearances Sam Wilson and Sharon Carter, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:21:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28027716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_of_Frost/pseuds/Lady_of_Frost
Summary: You're on a mission with your boyfriend Bucky when he gets triggered to become the Winter Soldier.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Kudos: 51





	Love in Winter

**Author's Note:**

> Note: {Russian is in these brackets}

You and Bucky both head down the hallway and round the corner.  
Bucky plants his back against the wall and you plant your back against the wall to the right of Bucky.  
You load a fresh magazine into your pistol.  
Bucky glances at you and nods.  
You nod back.  
He then tilts his head towards the hallway the two of you just came down.  
“Now,” he whispers.  
Bucky leans around the corner and you crouch and lean around Bucky and both of you fire down the hallway. The approaching men fire back at you as they dart for cover around the corners at the opposite end of the hall. And between your’s and Bucky’s bullets you manage to take down three of the advancing Hydra agents.  
You both retreat back behind your own cover as the agents return fire.  
Your ears are ringing from the echoes of both your own and the enemy’s gunfire in the enclosed space, you breathe heavily and mentally tally the bullets you have left.  
Bucky reloads his gun and takes a moment to lightly grip your left shoulder.  
You nod at him without glancing up and wait for him to signal you.  
The gunfire starts to die down from the other end of the hallway and the moment it ceases, Bucky pats your shoulder two times.  
You spin in your crouched position and both of you fire at the armed men.  
You down another one as he tries to retaliate and then an agent on the corner opposite him fires at you. Your arms drop suddenly and you manage to maintain your grip on your gun, but your shot goes wild, so you withdraw again.  
There’s a blinding pain beginning in your right arm as you plant yourself firmly against the wall again. Bucky continues to return fire, presumably at the guy who just shot you and then ducks back behind the wall again as well.  
He kneels down next to you as you clutch your right arm with your left.  
“I’m ok,” you whisper.  
His features are still etched with concern as his eyes survey you, and then his metal fingers gently pull down the torn fabric of your sleeve and he tsks.  
Bucky then plants his back against the wall beside you and he reloads his gun.  
He grips your thigh reassuringly, “We’ll make it out of this, Doll, promise.”  
“Don’t we always?” you ask with a smile.  
His hair falls in front of his face for a moment as he huffs and then he lifts his head to stare at you with his own wide smile.  
The firing stops again and Bucky peeks around the corner.  
He swiftly pulls his head and gun back and then glances around you at the space you’re currently occupying, obviously thinking. The alcove you’re in juts off from the hallway but is a dead end with no rooms to duck into or even windows. Bucky’s eyes scan down the hallway ahead of you that leads up a staircase not thirty feet from you both, but you won’t make it ten with the semi-automatic weapons held by the Hydra agents behind you.  
It’s possible Bucky could make the distance with his Super Soldierness, but you definitely won’t, you could really use Sam and his shield right about now.  
Which means you’re stuck in this spot until you either: come up with something else, backup arrives in the form of the aforementioned Sam, or…you whittle their numbers down. It seems you’re left with option C at the moment, but they still have numbers on their side, and a bomb downstairs that they stole from the Avengers weapons vault.  
Hence why you’re in this mess in the first place.  
It’s still quiet and you watch Bucky for any indication of what to do next.  
He casts a confused glance at the wall behind him.  
Please, don’t throw a grenade.  
That’s the last thing you need right now, because then you’ll have to choose the dreaded staircase.  
There’s a crackling over the building’s intercom system and the Main-Bad-Guy-In Charge’s voice can be heard through one of the speakers in the hallway ahead of you. You stare up at the speaker confused, because even though you can understand the words just fine, they don’t make any sense. It’s not even a coherent sentence just a bunch of random words in Russian.  
A sharp intake of breath from Bucky beside you draws your attention.  
You stare at him and he’s staring forward with his eyes as wide as saucers.  
It can’t be…  
“Bucky?!” you ask in alarm turning to him.  
“It’s those words…” he mutters confirming your worst fears.  
You let out a shaky gasp and holster your sidearm and grasp his face.  
Bucky sets his gun down on the floor and you swing your leg over him and sit in his lap, turning his face to stare at yours.  
As you meet his tear filled gaze you whisper, “No.”  
He barely cups your face in his hands as though he’s suddenly afraid to touch you, “You need to go, I’ll hold them off, distract them, but you need to-“ Bucky begins frantically.  
“No, no I’m not leaving you,” you state firmly shaking your head.  
“Doll, you have to…I don’t want to hurt you,” Bucky says quietly a single tear slipping free.  
Your lip quivers as you bury your fingers in his hair, “You won’t, and I’m not letting them take you,” you sob quietly.  
Bucky wraps his arms around your middle and clutches you desperately to him.  
“Don’t listen to them,” you whisper pressing your forehead to his, “Don’t listen to them, only listen to me, okay?”  
You feel Bucky shakily nod.  
And then there’s silence.  
You can still hear Bucky’s breathing, can still feel him under your fingertips as your eyes are squeezed shut. And then that man’s voice can be heard from down the hall this time.  
More silence.  
And then Bucky’s arms loosen around you and he responds.  
You open your eyes and pull back to stare at him, “{No…please don’t,}” you plead in Russian.  
His eyes are dark as he looks up at you.  
Then he begins to stand, unceremoniously dumping you onto the floor.  
You scramble to your feet and to your relief he doesn’t retrieve the gun he had abandoned.  
He also makes no move towards you, he just simply waits.  
You stare at him in shock and horror.  
The leader of the group of Hydra agents you had been fighting steps around the corner and fixes his gaze on Bucky and smiles.  
The two men trailing behind him point their weapons at you.  
“Soldier, search her,” the Hydra Leader says.  
Bucky immediately steps towards you and roughly removes your pistol from your side holster and then he goes for the knife he knows you keep in your boot without even patting you down first.  
He hands both of these to the Hydra agents.  
You stare at the back of Bucky’s head as he faces away from you and towards the Hydra Leader.  
You’ve never had him be so callous before, but you know this isn’t Bucky.  
The Hydra Leader continues to smile and then he nods at you, “Bring her.”  
Bucky…The Winter Soldier turns to you and grabs you by your left arm despite the fact that your right was closer to him and he starts to drag you along. You make it partway down the hall before you grip his hand attempting to pull him off of you.  
“Stop!” you protest.  
The Winter Soldier turns to you again, his brows creased.  
“I’ll come with you, I promise,” you say.  
The Winter Soldier stares at you for a moment and so does the Hydra Leader, but he releases you. Cautiously, you step in front of the Soldier and he follows behind as the group starts to move again. There are two Hydra agents now behind the Winter Soldier and another two in front of you including their leader. They lead you both back down the staircase you had initially run up and into the large room with vaulted ceilings and stone pillars. And also the same room they had set up shop with their stolen weapons crate they had been attempting to access.  
The large crate bears a SHIELD logo and an Avenger’s access panel.  
It had been locked in a vault for safekeeping until these assholes broke into said vault and stolen it. You, Bucky, Sam, and Sharon had come here to retrieve it before they could figure out a way past the security system in place and activate the bomb inside, detonating the building, and parts of the surrounding city, leaving nothing but a smoldering crater in it’s wake.  
In other words it would be very bad if they got it to actually work.  
“Soldier, enter the access code,” the Hydra Leader orders.  
The Winter Soldier looks down at the computer they have hooked up to the access panel as part of their plan to override it and then blinks, and glances back up at his new handler.  
You bite your lip to stifle a smile.  
Even Bucky didn’t know the access code, he refused to learn any of them in fact. Insisted he would never need to know them under any circumstances, you now wonder if it was really for reasons such as this.  
You on the other hand are a former SHIELD agent and a current Avenger and you know most of the items that were stored in the weapons vault and the codes to go with them.  
“Soldier,” the Hydra Leader commands more firmly, “Enter the access code.”  
The Winter Soldier continues to stare at his handler.  
You remain silent and glance between the two.  
And then the Hydra Leader’s eyes shift to you, “You, enter the access code.”  
You snort, “Go to hell.”  
The Hydra Leader steps towards you swiftly and strikes you across the face with his right hand. Your hair falls in front of your face as your head is knocked to one side and you see a heavy boot appear in your vision when you open your eyes.  
You glance up quickly to see that the Winter Soldier has taken a step towards you.  
You flinch backwards involuntarily, eyes wide, fearful that he’ll attack you.  
The Winter Soldier fixes you with a hardened gaze and stops abruptly, his right foot extended in front of him.  
“Soldier, at ease,” the Hydra Leader says.  
There’s a moment of hesitation and then the Winter Soldier steps back into position and continues to stare at you.  
You feel something wet trickle down your right cheek and judging by the stinging in your eye, you surmise it’s blood, you also note that the Winter Soldier’s eyes seem to be following it.  
The Hydra Leader stares somewhere below your chin as you straighten your back and he reaches out a hand and grasps…your locket.  
It had fallen out from where you had tucked it into your suit.  
He opens it and stares at the photo of Bucky and smirks.  
You swallow.  
He glances up at you and then behind him at the Winter Soldier and lets go of your locket. You watch in horror as he approaches the Winter Soldier and draws his gun and points it directly at Bucky’s head.  
The Winter Soldier doesn’t so much as flinch, his gaze still blankly fixed on you.  
“Enter the access code,” the Hydra Leader orders you.  
You stare into Bucky’s eyes and move to enter the access code.  
When the lock clicks and the case opens up another Hydra agent moves forwards to rewire the computer to the bomb’s access panel and enter a detonation sequence. You back up from the bomb and the Hydra Leader approaches you and points the gun at your head instead.  
“Thank you so much for your assistance,” the Hydra Leader says to you dispassionately, “But you’re usefulness has come to an end.”  
You stare at the gun extended towards you, thinking of the best way to take it from him and fire it before his fellows can take you down.  
Or before the Winter Soldier can stop you.  
You won’t be able to stop him, not that you would want to anyways.  
He would be forced to move in close without his firearm but he could easily close the distance and prevent you from firing a second shot.  
You’ve never been a match for Bucky’s strength either.  
“And the best part is he gets to watch you die,” the Hydra Leader says glancing over at the Winter Soldier.  
“Bucky, I love you,” you say as you move to grab the gun while the man is distracted.  
You twist it and wrench it out of the man’s hand and fire it into his chest twice.  
An agent to your left raises his gun and you turn to fire another two shots, one landing square between his eyes. And out of your periphery you see the Winter Soldier move towards you with alarming speed, you spin to face him but you lower your weapon.  
You can’t hurt Bucky, not even like this…you could never hurt him.  
To your surprise he rushes past you and closes the distance between him and the third agent and pulls a knife from the man’s belt with his right and stabs him repeatedly in the chest. The Hydra agent only managing a yelp of shock before blood starts to pour from his mouth. The Winter Soldier then removes the blade from the man’s torso and turns towards you eyes filled with murderous intent and throws the knife and you squeeze your eyes shut.  
There’s a choked gurgling sound and you open your eyes and turn to see the Hydra Leader standing behind you with a knife in his throat, who had stood up from the floor behind you.  
You lock eyes with the Winter Soldier and turn towards the fourth and final Hydra agent who had been preparing the detonation sequence and just as you’re about to fire he shoots at you. A metal arm reaches around you and takes the blow of the bullets that were meant for you as you now instinctively duck behind Bucky.  
He loops his right arm around your waist and spins you so that you’re now mostly behind him as he blocks the next volley of bullets.  
When you finally get an opening you fire at the Hydra agent and kill him.  
As everything falls silent you take a few breaths and survey the room around you.  
The bullets you had fired at the Hydra Leader had hit directly in his bulletproof vest, figures.  
You nudge him with your boot, yep he’s dead now.  
The Winter Soldier releases you and you stare up at him, “Bucky?” you ask hesitantly.  
His brows pinch together, but other than that there’s no response, he just continues to stare at you.  
You swallow and wet your lips, “…Soldier?”  
A slight tilt of his head.  
“Ok,” you exhale.  
You glance around you at the dead men on the floor, still unsure as to why you’re not among them right now. And then your eyes drift over to the bomb that’s ticking down.  
The bomb.  
Shit.  
You rush over to it and try to enter the deactivation code.  
An error message pops up on the screen.  
You enter it again.  
You’re aware of the Winter Soldier’s boots on the tiled floor as he steps towards you, something you only notice from having lived with him for so long. You enter the code again and again you see the same error message.  
The Winter Soldier stops directly behind you and you freeze.  
His left hand reaches forward and he points to where a stray bullet had broken the access panel on the bomb itself.  
You stare at the broken access panel, “Fuck.”  
Then you glance over your shoulder at the Winter Soldier.  
His eyes focus on you and then on the bomb.  
You let out an exasperated sigh and then move towards it.  
You examine the bomb and try to figure out a way to get at the internal system.  
“Bucky, uh…Soldier, help me open this plate so I can get to the wires,” you say.  
The Winter Soldier steps forwards and digs his metal fingers into the plate and the metal groans as he bends it until it snaps and then he peels it back with both hands until you can clearly see the internal computer. He removes his hands and you crouch down and set the gun you were holding on the floor as you begin to examine it further.  
You’re trying to remember the correct wires you need to cut.  
You take a breath and pull a knife out of the belt of the nearby dead Hydra agent, and are pleasantly surprised to find out that it is actually Your knife they had confiscated. You cut two of the wires and the timer stops and starts blinking at twenty minutes and twenty four seconds and then it resets to five minutes. You let out another exasperated sigh and the Winter Soldier who is now crouched next to you, fixes you with a look of almost annoyance.  
“Listen, I only vaguely remember how to diffuse this one,” you say.  
The Winter Soldier silently looks back at the timer now ticking down again.  
“Don’t give me that, remember that you’re the one who complained that there’s no reason for you to need to know this stuff,” you scold.  
The Winter Soldier’s head pulls back slightly in surprise and then he glances to the left.  
You start humming the little song you came up with to help you remember, “And how else, do you pull a weed except by it’s ROOTS! Holy shit, I think I’ve got it…I think.”  
The Winter Soldier raises a brow at you.  
“And if it doesn’t work, I’m sorry,” you say as you grab the red wire and cut it with your knife.  
The timer blinks a few times and then goes out.  
You sigh heavily, “Oh thank God.”  
You take a moment to breathe and sheathe your knife again.

The Winter Soldier frowns and picks up the discarded handgun you left on the floor and aims it towards the main entry point.  
You didn’t hear anything, but the Super Soldier’s hearing is much better than yours, so you’re not surprised.  
“Soldier, don’t fire until I say,” you order.  
There’s a swift nod from Bucky, or the Soldier.  
You retrieve your own gun from the dead Hydra Leader and you and the Winter Soldier move quickly to cover.  
You plant your back against a stone pillar and take a breath.  
Peering around the corner carefully there’s a twinge of pain in your wounded arm, but you ignore it as you focus your eyes on any sign of movement. You see a brief flash of color from a familiar uniform. You duck behind cover and whistle the beginning to the chorus of the Star Spangled Man.  
There’s a pause.  
And then the returning whistle for the next part.  
You sigh in relief, “Sam?”  
“Yeah? You two doing alright? How are we looking?” Sam asks.  
“All combatants are down, bomb’s disabled, and uh…there’s been some…complications,” you explain glancing over to the Winter Soldier who is hiding nearby and poised to strike like a snake, “Stand down, Soldier,” you order, “These are our friends.”  
The Winter Soldier looks to you and nods and then lowers his weapon.  
“What kind of complications?” Sam asks, his voice drawing nearer.  
You step out from your cover, “Well it’s…complicated,” you say.  
“How complicated?” Sam asks stepping into view finally along with Sharon Carter.  
The Winter Soldier steps beside you and regards them both coolly.  
They both freeze, having both met the Winter Soldier before.  
Sam’s eyes scan Bucky for a moment and then he fixes you a questioning look.  
You nod, “He’s not Bucky right now.”  
Sharon sighs and shakes her head, her grip tightening on her gun, but keeping it fixed on the floor.  
“But we’re all still friends here,” you say holding up your hands.  
Sam glances over at Bucky again and then he glances to you, “Is he listening to you right now?”  
“It would seem so, the guy who activated him is dead so…” you trail off glancing behind you.  
“How does that work?” Sharon asks skeptical.  
“I have no clue,” you state.  
“What if he turns on you? I know he really likes you and all but,” Sharon presses.  
You sigh and shake your head, “I don’t know, he’s already defended me a couple of times, so…I don’t know.”  
The Winter Soldier stares at Sharon and then fixes his gaze on you, and seemingly is lost in thought, which is new.  
“You’d never turn on me though would you, Buck?” you ask reaching your right arm to pat Bucky on his left shoulder but stopping short and wincing in pain.  
“You alright?” Sam asks eyeing your face and your wounded arm.  
“It’s not so bad,” you say quietly holstering your gun.  
“She needs medical attention,” the Winter Soldier says abruptly.  
“Thank you, Nurse Barnes, I’m aware,” you joke a smile forming on your face.  
You lift your head to look at him and your smile drops at his completely frozen expression.  
He blinks and his brows knit together, “I…I’m not a nurse,” the Winter Soldier states genuinely confused as he continues to stare at you.  
“I know it’s…a nickname that I came up with for you after you patched me up on our first mission with just the two of us,” you explain.  
He blinks and stares off into space for a moment, “What’s a…nickname?”  
Oh boy.  
“It’s…an affectionate, alternate name for a person,” you explain to the best of your ability.  
The Winter Soldier is silent for another moment as everyone’s gaze is focused tensely on him.  
He nods to himself, “Like a designation?”  
“Kind of,” you say.  
He seems to accept your answer and straightens, “Do you want me to patch you up?”  
“Uh, yeah sure, but lets fall back to where the bomb is first,” you say.  
The Winter Soldier nods and leads the way as the rest of you follow behind.  
You enter the center of the room where all the dead men are spread out on the floor.  
Sharon sighs, “This is a little too familiar for my liking.”  
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Sam says, “Which one did the thing?” Sam tries to ask you discreetly pointing around at the dead Hydra agents.  
You point to the leader and he nods, “Did he do that or you?”  
You nod your head silently at the Winter Soldier.  
Sam nods and exhales.  
The Winter Soldier stops and holsters his gun and turns to face you.  
You raise your brows at him as he approaches.  
The Winter Soldier carefully takes a hold of your arm and rips open your sleeve a little more and discards some of it onto the floor. He inspects the wound briefly and then he reaches into his pockets and pulls out some bandages.  
“Although the familiarity isn’t all bad,” Sharon says as she watches the Winter Soldier clean your wound as best he can.  
You wince a little and the Winter Soldier lightens his touch.  
It’s almost like Bucky is the one bandaging you up like he always does.  
Sharon starts to inspect the bomb while Sam keeps his eye on the two of you.  
“You need stitches,” the Winter Soldier states, “But it was a clean shot,” he adds softly.  
You nod.  
“I’m unable to do anything further,” the Winter Soldier continues.  
“It’s alright, thank you,” you say as he wraps the bandage around your arm.  
He pauses and then fastens the bandage.  
You study his face for a moment and his eyes meet yours.  
The Winter Soldier’s left hand reaches up towards your face and you close your right eye as his thumb brushes against your skin.  
“He shouldn’t have hit you,” he says quietly.  
You open your eye and stare at him and there’s an anger burning behind his eyes as he stares at your bruised face, “No, he shouldn’t have,” you agree.  
He pulls his hand away slowly and you notice a smidge of blood on his thumb from the cut on your face. The Winter Soldier then fixes his cold gaze on the dead Hydra Leader on the floor with the knife still protruding from his throat.  
You tuck your locket back under your suit and the movement catches the Winter Soldier’s attention, but he says nothing.  
“We’re all good here, the bomb’s diffused. We just need to move it to a secure location, but our bomb guys can do that,” Sharon says stepping towards you.  
You nod at her and then turn to the Winter Soldier, “Our mission is done, it’s time to return home.”  
The Winter Soldier nods.  
You all stick close together as you leave and you and the Winter Soldier head to the quinjet first and wait for Sam to catch up with you.  
Better to keep the Winter Soldier from interacting with too many people afterall.  
Sharon oversees the removal of the bomb and cleanup, and when Sam returns he places Bucky’s discarded weapons in his weapon locker on board the quinjet. 

After that it’s a silent ride back to the compound.  
You occasionally glance over at the Winter Soldier, but he remains calm and stiff.  
A little too stiff for your liking, but he seems more relaxed than he was earlier.  
If you can call it that.  
It’s still silent as you begin to descend, but the Winter Soldier snaps to attention as soon as the wheels hit the landing pad. You undo your seatbelt first and he moves to follow you.  
Sam finishes up the checks on the quinjet and follows the two of you out, “I’ll take care of his gear, if you can have him escort you to medbay?” he asks glancing from you to Bucky.  
“Yeah, sure. Follow me, Soldier,” you say.  
There’s a curt nod from the Winter Soldier as he begins to follow you.  
“Oh and Barnes, take care of the lady will ya?” Sam calls.  
There’s a huff from Bucky, “I always do, Wilson.”  
You glance up at Bucky who has the tiniest bit of a smile on his face and then share a look with Sam.  
He shouldn’t know Sam’s last name, you and Sharon had only ever referred to Sam by his first name, and a bit of his Brooklyn accent had bled through.  
The Winter Soldier becomes stoic once more as he begins to follow you silently through the halls. You avoid any routes that would have you bump into lots of people, but you notice him on guard nonetheless.  
It’s not the same tenseness from earlier with the Hydra agents and the bomb, but you get the feeling he still doesn’t recognize his surroundings.  
Damn, you were hoping he would.  
You’ve got photo albums and journals of his in your shared bedroom, perhaps those could help jog his memory?  
You reach the medbay and are greeted by the familiar face of one of the medics who usually helps patch you up. It’s common to have a few medical professionals at the ready in the medbay when anyone is sent on a mission.  
But since it was a smaller team today it’s just him in the lab.  
He moves forward to grab your uninjured arm to help you further into the room, and the Winter Soldier moves to intercept him. There’s a look of wide-eyed surprise as the Winter Soldier grabs a hold of the man’s shirt collar with his left arm.  
“Wait!” you shout.  
The Winter Soldier stops, murderous glare still fixed on the medic.  
“He’s just trying to help me, let him go,” you say grabbing the Winter Soldier’s right arm.  
The Winter Soldier pauses and looks to you and then releases the man.  
The medic looks to you and then at Bucky confused.  
“He’s not himself right now,” you say.  
The medic nods slowly and readjusts his glasses, clearly shaken.  
The medic gestures for you to sit and you do, while he examines your injury and also glances over his shoulder every now and then at the Winter Soldier.  
Bucky and this guy know each other.  
Bucky always asks him how his wife and kids are doing, even seriously injured, Bucky would have never raised a hand to this man before.  
And now the Winter Soldier is staring daggers at the back of this man’s head.  
The medic removes the bandage and cuts away your sleeve so he can get to your bullet wound. You watch the Winter Soldier’s head follow the medic’s arm as he reaches for another tool.  
Your wound is cleaned and then the medic begins stitching it.  
You wince a little in pain and notice the Winter Soldier’s fists clench slowly.  
You need to occupy him with something else.  
“Hold my hand,” you say outstretching your left hand to him.  
His eyes widen slightly and he hesitates.  
“Please? It hurts,” you say.  
The Winter Soldier is still very confused but he unclenches his fists and outstretches his right hand to you and you take it.  
You squeeze his hand as you wince at the pain again and he takes a step closer.  
You can feel his gaze on you and you look up at him.  
His face is softer but very perplexed and…vulnerable.  
He blinks and shifts his gaze downwards to your hand before squeezing your hand gently, and then he remains silent and still while the medic finishes with your stitches. The medic also cleans the cut near your eye and then leaves the two of you alone as he personally looks for someone else’s help with the Winter Soldier.  
The Winter Soldier slowly lets go of your hand and then moves to pace about the room. You rest your hands in your lap and watch him for a couple paces until you realize he’s taken up another guard position.  
“You don’t have to do that,” you say.  
The Winter Soldier pauses to stare at you before resuming pacing.  
“We’re both safe, we’re home,” you say.  
The Winter Soldier doesn’t pause this time as he glances at the door instead.  
And you wonder if the Winter Soldier doesn’t recognize this as home, or if it’s because home for the Winter Soldier was never safe.  
He seems to grow dissatisfied with pacing and stops to stare at the door with his back to you.  
You hope the medic doesn’t walk back through that door anytime soon.  
You stare at the Winter Soldier’s back, feeling utterly useless to save the love of your life from this torment he’s been forced to relive.  
The Winter Soldier clenches and unclenches his fists as he tilts his head in response to a noise you can’t hear. And then he tilts his head the other way and clenches his left fist. He then slowly curls and uncurls his fingers one by one and then the Winter Soldier glances down at his left hand and slowly raises it.  
He glances over at you in silent question.  
“You…lost your old arm and a friend of ours, Shuri, made you a new one. It’s much more durable than the last one,” you explain.  
He nods slowly turning his attention back to his Vibranium arm as he turns it over and then he stares at the door again.  
He doesn’t even remember his new arm.  
It’s like the factory-reset button was hit on him, he doesn’t remember anything.  
Not his life as an Avenger, not his new arm, and not even you.  
Tears begin to form in your eyes and you’re unable to stop them.  
You cover your mouth with your left hand as the tears fall down your cheeks and you try to stifle the quiet sob that leaves you. But the Winter Soldier hears it and turns his head swiftly to you and when he sees you in distress, he’s in front of you in an instant.  
“Where does it hurt? Is it your arm?” he asks gingerly placing his left hand under your wound.  
You shake your head, “…No, I’m just upset,” you cry.  
The Winter Soldier stares at you and he looks visibly distraught as well.  
You get the feeling he doesn’t know how to deal with pain that isn’t physical as he looks at you helplessly. Bucky would know what to say, Bucky always knows just what to say to calm you down. Words of: “It’s okay, Doll. I’m here, Doll. Don’t worry I got you, just let it all out, Sweetheart.”  
But the Winter Soldier has no such words.  
So you’re shocked when he takes your right hand in his left and holds it.  
You cry harder and squeeze his hand and rest your forehead against his chest.  
After a moment you feel his other hand on the back of your head, tentatively placed there. You pull out your locket with your left hand from under your suit and wrap your fingers around it.  
You start to quiet down after a little while and you pull back from his chest, your eyes still closed. Then you take his metal hand and bring it to your cheek and cover it with both of yours. Your breath hitches when you feel his fingers from his right hand gently grip your locket.  
You open your eyes and the Winter Soldier’s are fixed on your locket.  
His eyes meet yours for a moment.  
“It’s okay,” you say softly.  
He opens the locket and inhales sharply.  
He lets go of the locket as if it had burned him and you move his metal hand into your lap.  
“Hey, what is it? Talk to me,” you plead.  
“I…” he begins as he blinks rapidly.  
“Shh, I’ve got you,” you soothe releasing his hand to rest one of yours on his cheek.  
The Winter Soldier stills and then relaxes slightly when you rub his cheek with your thumb, as you continue his eyes close and he places his metal hand over yours.  
You wonder if the Winter Soldier has ever known a gentle touch.  
His lips tremble and more tears prick at your eyes.  
“I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong,” you insist.  
His eyes open and they’re watery, “It…hurts,” he manages.  
“I know, I know,” you whisper, “It’ll be okay.”  
“There’s too much,” he says his eyes moving upwards and shifting back and forth, “I can’t stop it.”  
“Then don’t. Don’t fight it,” you say.  
Tears slip past his eyes and down his cheeks.  
“Just let it fall around you like rain, you remember what rain is don’t you?” you ask.  
He gives a small nod.  
“Just close your eyes,” you whisper leaning towards him and placing your other hand on his face as well.  
He clutches onto you like a lifeline and does as you say.  
“Let the memories fall around you and onto you like little raindrops, until they dampen your hair and skin and soak into your clothing,” you say rubbing your nose against his.  
His breathing slows and then you feel him relax completely.  
And then he pulls away slightly and presses a kiss to your forehead, “Doll? How’d we get here?”  
You open your eyes and gasp and stare up at him, at Bucky.  
He pulls back to stare around the room and then he catches your gaze and his eyes widen.  
“Doll, what happened to you-” he begins but stops short as his metal thumb strokes near your eye and his eyes widen further in shock at the small smudge of dried blood on his thumb.  
“You…you were-“ you begin.  
His face scrunches up in horror and fear as he swiftly recoils from you, “No…” he gasps more tears forming in his eyes, “No…”  
“Bucky, wait,” you say, but he quickly flees from you out of the room.  
You stand to go after him, he has to know that he didn’t hurt you.

*******

He shuts the bedroom door behind him and presses his back to it as he slowly slumps to the floor.  
Bucky buries his head in his hands and sobs.  
How could he?  
How could he have hurt her?  
He removes his hands from his face and stares down at his shaking palms. When he spots the blood smear on his left thumb, he clenches his metal fist so hard the metal grinds. He jumps to his feet and throws his gear off and quickly disrobes as he heads for the bathroom.  
He turns the water on as hot as it’ll go and steps under the spray.  
Bucky reaches for his soap and lathers his hands and arms and frantically washes off the blood on his hands.  
Her blood.  
And when it’s gone he washes his hands again, and again, and again.  
He closes his eyes as a sob wracks his body and he slumps against the shower wall and tilts his head back. He’s done the worst thing imaginable, he’s hurt the love of his life. He thought this was behind him, he thought this whole thing was behind him. But it’s clear that she’ll never be safe with him, and the best way to protect her now is to stay away from her.  
He places his right hand over his eyes and chokes out another sob.  
But he loves her.  
He had hoped to spend the rest of his life with her, and had hoped she would become Mrs. Barnes someday, but that’s not going to happen now. She was always too good for him, he knew that from the beginning. But as much as it kills him to have to leave her, he can’t stay and risk hurting her again.  
The bathroom door clicks closed and Bucky’s head jerks up.  
He removes his hand from his face and watches the silhouette of her form through the frosted glass. Bucky swallows and pushes off the shower wall when he sees her move closer and stands under the showerhead facing away from her, letting the hot water coat the top of his head.  
The shower door opens behind him and then closes.  
She cautiously moves towards him and tries to slip her arms around his middle and yelps when the hot water makes contact with her skin.  
Bucky swiftly reaches out with his metal hand and turns the water colder.  
He knows she’s as stubborn as he is and would still try to hold him even with the water burning her skin. Her arms gingerly slip around his waist again as the water begins to cool, but Bucky makes no move to take her hands in his.  
Her hands smooth across his stomach and up his torso, just like she usually does when he has a nightmare and can’t face her. And when he doesn’t relax like he usually does her right hand moves down his right arm, where it hangs limp at his side, and she threads her fingers through his and pulls it to his stomach. His fingers tighten around hers slightly as he tries to resist the comfort she brings him. She presses herself against his back next, her left cheek resting over his heart.  
He opens his mouth to apologize but his voice cracks.  
Her grip tightens around him.  
“Doll…” he tries again, “I’m so sorry.”  
She pulls back and tugs at his hand, indicating she wants him to turn.  
Bucky reluctantly turns to face her.  
“What are you sorry for?” she asks tears in her own eyes.  
Bucky reaches his left hand towards her face and stops short afraid to touch her.  
Her head tilts to the side and she exhales, “Bucky, you didn’t do this.”  
“Then why was your blood on my hand?” Bucky demands quietly in disbelief.  
“You don’t remember anything do you?” she asks softly.  
He shakes his head, “I usually don’t,” he says his voice hoarse.  
“Bucky, you helped me kill those guys, not once did you lay a single hand on me,” she explains.  
As much as he wants to, Bucky is still struggling to believe her.  
But he lets her reach towards his face and tilt his head down to rest against hers.  
The water falls from the showerhead above like raindrops over both of them.  
He closes his eyes as she thumbs his cheek and listens to her heartbeat.  
“Bucky, I love you, so don’t you even think about telling me to leave you,” she says firmly.  
Bucky’s heart leaps in his chest at her admission.  
Neither of them have said it before, although he’s certain they’ve both felt it for some time, and of course she would know what he was thinking, she knows him so well.  
Bucky smiles to himself, she loves him.  
His smile drops as a memory flashes through his mind, of her standing in front of him as one of the Hydra agents holds a gun to her head.

“Bucky, I love you,” she says right before she makes a grab for the gun.  
The moment she moves, he moves as well, following her lead in taking out their enemies, and when they are dispatched, he turns to her for his next command.  
There’s fear in her eyes as she looks at him, but not of him, for him.  
The Soldier doesn’t understand.  
Nothing is wrong.  
She disarms the bomb quickly enough with only a couple mistakes and the way she talks to him…there’s a fondness there. She gives him orders as any previous handler would, ordering him to stand down when she recognizes a secret code from their allies but…  
The look on her face as she stares at him, and then she tells him about how he’s taken care of her in the past. Things he cannot remember but she does, so he trusts that it happened. Even if it doesn’t make sense to him that he would “scold” her.  
They arrive back at their base without further incident and he feels a sense of camaraderie he can’t explain with the pilot, but then his focus is on her again.  
When she’s being tended to, she asks to hold his hand, a strange request.  
But nevertheless he complies, just as he always does.  
Just like any good Soldier would, but…there’s something different…this time.  
She clearly knows him from the way she speaks to him, referencing past missions. And he must know her though he cannot remember her from the last time he was needed, he seldom does afterall.  
He moves to a sentry position in the room to protect her, when she makes an unexpected sound. He turns to her and is at her side in an instant, the medical personnel must have missed something, because she looks to be in a great deal of pain. But when she verbalizes that the pain is not physical, he’s at a loss.  
He’s confused about how to help her, so he takes her hand like she showed him and she clutches to him like a lifeline.  
There’s something familiar about this.  
About this gesture of holding hands.  
He remembers suddenly being small and holding the hands of a young man and woman in both of his much smaller ones as he crosses a street. He remembers pulling a small girl with the same eyes and hair as him to her feet after throwing a punch at the boy who had pushed her into a puddle. He remembers holding the hand of a badly wounded soldier in a dark tent and promising to write his family for him. He remembers catching the hand of the woman in front of him as she fell off the roof of a building and he also remembers how nervous he felt holding her hand while soft candlelight glowed around them. He remembers the same small hand he now holds in his being pressed to his face late at night when he’s covered in his own sweat, desperately trying to escape something plaguing him.  
The Winter Soldier’s eyes catch sight of something metal around her neck and he reaches for it. She allows him to open it and he is surprised at the photo of himself inside of it.  
Why would she need this photo?  
There’s no purpose for it, she knows what he looks like, and there’s no cover.  
Now memories flood his brain, memories of her, of her smile, of her laugh, of the taste of her skin as she lies beneath him.  
Too many…  
Too many memories…  
She sees this internal struggle and…she soothes him, she allows him to clutch to her now, and he’s surprised and thankful.  
Behavior such as this gets him refrozen, put back in his place, punished.  
She doesn’t look like she wants to punish him and for that he’s also relieved, somehow he can’t imagine her hurting him.  
The Winter Soldier does as she says and imagines the memories as raindrops soaking his hair and covering his skin, and then Bucky remembers.  
As the final words are said she had told him, “Don’t listen to them, only listen to me okay?”  
He had nodded.  
She was the only person he ever wanted to listen to ever again.  
Bucky blinks.  
From moment one the Winter Soldier was taking orders from her over anyone else, she was simply not giving him orders yet. When the Hydra Leader struck her he stepped forward with the intent to kill him, but her gaze held him back.  
He didn’t hit her.  
He did not hurt her.  
Bucky opens his mouth and lets out a shaky sigh of relief.  
Her gaze meets his and he brings his left hand up to gently caress her face, a touch she leans into.  
“He shouldn’t have hit you,” Bucky says furrowing his brows.  
“No, he should not have,” she says shaking her head and smiling up at him.  
“I love you,” Bucky says earnestly.  
She smiles wide, “I love you too,” and kisses him.  
Bucky smiles into the kiss as the water from the showerhead continues to pour over them both.  
Oh yeah, she’s definitely the future Mrs. Barnes.


End file.
